Life: A Tutorial

• Ages 1-5: You are nobody yet.
• 5-10: Begin to learn that you can be your own person. Believe in magic. Start dreaming.
• 10-13: Figure out exactly what you DON'T want to be. Never speak of these years again.
• 13-17: Do what your parents tell you to. Everything you dreamed of when you were a kid? Trash it. You are whatever you don't want to be. If you want to do something, don't do it. Be like everyone else. Difference is bad. You're not allowed to have flaws. Beauty is what the magazines say it is.
• 17-18: Begin to frantically prepare a future in something you don't want to pursue. Become an adult in 2 short years. Remember not to dream.
• 18-28: Build a career in something boring. Don't enjoy any of it. No fun allowed. You're just a dull adult now. You are nothing that you wanted to be. You're not important, money is.
• 28-39: Get a job, settle down, make a family. Don't spend time falling in love; it doesn't exist. Keep being boring. You're only here to make money. You're just a taxpayer now, a simple statistic in the Census.
• 40-50: Hit mid-life crisis. By now, your dreams should be forgotten. Don't do anything interesting. Stress out over bills, taxes, mortgage payments, and your kids. Your routine is always the same. You are not permitted to be spontaneous or fun. Soccer mom or full-time-9-to-5 dad. Remember to crush your kids' hopes and dreams. Harsh is good, and love has to be tough. Slowly tear your marriage down and blame it on your spouse. Yell a lot. Grey hairs should start to sprout at this time.
• 50-65: Think about how old you're getting, and how much you didn't do.
• 65-70: Sit in the nursing home that your kids stuck you in. Do nothing and rot away.
• 70-Death: Regret everything.
• Now ignore all instructions for age 13-Death, and do the exact opposite.